Thursday, November 10, 2011

Single Tear

Single Tear
This single tear fell from my eye leaving a burning trail behind. Knowing it will only be the guide to thousands more. I buried my face into my pillow. Only to hide the pain that single tear shows. Knowing it screams regret and turmoil. Fearing you will see that single tear I force you to leave, for the others are not far behind it. A single kiss followed that single tear. Now it is joined with a single scream and a single beat of pain.


What pain is this? The pain I feel inside. Is it the fear of losing you? Is it the lack of your arms around me? Or is it the lack of faith I have in us? Is it the doubt that fills my mind? Or could it possibly be my heart breaking? No this pain I feel is the pain I caused you. It is the pure agony you show. It is the purity of your kiss and the lack of your love I will miss. This pain is the pain you left behind.

That Empty Wall

That Empty Wall
A tortured scream in the dark, cries out in agony. A heart beats wildly in perfect rhythm to the tears. I began scratching at my arms to feel pain, somewhere, anywhere other than my heart. Numbingly I cry out “Dear god why can he not be mine?”! Anger wells up, pushing through my limbs. A scream does not relieve this anger. A slit wrist will not relieve this pain. Ferociously I grab at a picture of my own face, throwing it across the room, shattering the glass. Horrified! I see more of that same face. One by one they are torn from the wall crashing to the cold ground, leaving that wall bare and empty. I feel it is only right to show my heart it’s not alone.  

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


Inside a forsaken garbage bag laid
A wooden frame perfectly shattered.
Beside the sharp glass were four pictures
Ripped into four exact pieces.
A dried up rose was crumpled, crushed
And dusted on top of the beautiful mess.
Underneath laid hundreds of tissues, each
Soggy and covered with black marks.
Last was a letter, the letter that betrayed her
The letter that tore her heart and created
This wonderfully awful mess.

Empty Boxes

Four empty boxes lay in the corner of my freshly painted room. Nothing smelled worse than the stench of wet paint. Not only was it the kind of smell to give you a massive headache. But, to me it was the smell of change. My room was once mint green with blue trim. Fit my personality perfectly. Now it was this blinding white that made me feel like I was some crazy person thrown into the loony bin. Nevertheless, there I sat on my black futon staring at these four boxes. I have never hated an inanimate object so much. My hatred for these dreadful things was so great I just wanted to shoot laser beams out of my eyes and burn them to the ground. After awhile of glaring at these things my head hurt. Finally, I sighed and fell back on the futon. Realizing that no matter how hard I try these dumb boxes will not burn. I stared at the tiles on my ceiling wondering how I would fit all the things from my childhood into these four boxes.  
A loud crash brought me out of a daze. Curiously, I wandered up the stairs and into the living room. All of it was empty. The white leather couches were gone. Our spider lamp was packed. Feeling a deep pain in my chest, I had to move on. Looking out of our giant windows that overlooked our entire backyard, our beautiful in ground pool that had so many memories, in our driveway I saw a large red dumpster. There were my two oldest brothers throwing in our dining room table, the same table that came with us from Colorado when I was three. It was the table that held my birthday presents when I was turning eight. The one I ran into after being chased by my brothers. Sure it was rickety and wobbly. But it was my table. Something started to boil. I couldn’t tell if it was anger or hatred. A burning sensation ran through my veins. My fists clenched until my nails dug into my fits and my knuckles were white. Looking around desperately for something that did not show change, I began to run. I ran through my house. First, through the kitchen with every cupboard empty and the lonely refrigerator standing there, then down the hall where our school pictures once hung on the walls. Everything was gone. My brother’s room was cleared out. My parent’s bed was gone. My childhood was over. Now the burning sensation that coursed through my veins stopped. My anger was gone and my feet would not move. I was firmly planted in the middle of the hall just staring longingly into my parent’s room. In one instant my knees buckled and my body collapsed. My face hit the ground with a thud and then my body followed with a flop. Laying there in the fetal position a familiar sensation came back to me. It was the emotion I knew quite well. Where your eyes burned, almost to the point of pain, until water came springing from them. They would start out slow then you’d work into a great sob. Eventually your throat would develop a knot. Like a swallowed a gumball was lodged in between your mouth and your stomach.
A voice made me gasp and jump to my feet. As if I had just heard a wild animal stalking me. My knees were bent and my arms were out in mid air I was ready to bolt. I relaxed after a while when I heard nothing again. One word sent me flying, more like fleeing I should say. That single word was my name.
“Ariel?” said my father.
In an instant I felt like the super hero, the flash! I was out of the hall and down the stairs in a blink of an eye. Half tripping over the last stair I slid on my knees feeling the carpet burning at my flesh. But that sting could not stop my desperate attempt to get out of the open. I pushed myself up and – flashed into my room. Quickly locking the door, I turned around slowly and felt the pressure of the door against my back. I slid down the door onto my butt. Breathing heavily I opened my eyes to the insane asylum I was trying to escape when I started my little adventure. Besides the white walls which were now giving me a headache, my black futon was still unfolded in the corner of my room. All of my dresser drawers were open and draping with clothes. I could finally breathe. This room was still untouched. Slowly, I remembered those empty boxes. Slowly I turned my head to my left. I stared at those ugly looking brown things –shoot, Burn, die! I thought. But nothing of the sort happened. I refused to get up to my feet so eventually I crawled over to my dresser. I grabbed everything and anything and stuffed it in those boxes, like stuffing a turkey on Thanksgiving Day. It will all fit! It has to fit! I will not leave anything behind! My mind screamed. Something wet hit my cheek. Confused I wiped at my eyes. I was not crying. I was too focused to think about letting those little devils escape from my eyes. With my hands still pushing at the memories I was trying to force into the box I turned my head to look over my shoulder. Just above me was my father. He was looking at the clothes I was trying to stuff into the box when a single tear betrayed him. I had not spoken to my father since he had told me we were moving. But in that moment when I was looking up into his red eyes that were leaking all over the place I knew he hated himself. He didn’t want to leave this place just as much as I did. So surrendering the fight with my clothes I sat back onto my butt and stared at my hands. Soon they were soaked with the tears that had begun to betray me once again. My father said nothing. He turned me to face him and took me into his arms. We cried together in almost perfect unison. Nothing felt more right in my life then at that moment when I knew my dad felt my pain. He knew my pain and he felt it was his fault. I had blamed him for this change and it broke his heart. With one word my father changed my life forever. His tears stopped falling into my hair when he lifted up my face to look at him and said – endure. The one word gave me hope. He left me alone in my room, either to keep crying and hating the world. Or to embrace this new adventure I was setting out on. Slowly, but still not happily, I got to my feet. I finished packing my room and within an hour my dresser was empty and in the truck. My boxes were stacked with the others and my bed was in the dumpster with my table. My room had now joined the rest of the house with an eerie emptiness. Not one scrap of paper or crumb of food was left. I walked through the home I had been raised in for the last 14 years. With only one thought on my mind – endure. I held my head up high and put on a mask of bravery and happiness. I would not blame a single soul for this. Because there was nothing to blame, this house was once my home. Until my life, my adventure took a new direction.
I walked slowly but bravely out the front door and down the porch. I turned around in the front yard for just long enough to whisper, “goodbye”. The truck was packed and my family was all waiting for me. The passenger door to our silver Hyundai was left open. As I crawled into the seat I decided to only allow one tear to fall for the loss of my home. So as we headed down the street away from my house I looked back once and shed that one tear. Turning around I looked to the future, an adventure outside of this town. Only 5 days, I thought, 5 days until I see this new adventure I was going to endure. Looking out to the open road I only felt one thing. It wasn’t anger, hatred, or fear. It was relief. My life had taken a new direction. One that will change my life forever, at age 17 my life had begun. My heart had not felt this away. It had only clung to the past like a cat hanging to your shirt with its claws. One word pried my heart from the past—endure. Now my heart ached for the future. It desired adventure. It longed for Florida. 

Fleeing Princess

My golden dress wrapped my body in a silken beauty. A beauty I believed could only belong to a noble princess. Silently it fluttered around my ankles gently brushing them in the wind. I couldn’t feel anything but joy that radiated from my every pore. My lips were permanently curved into a smile. The reason walked in through the doors. I felt my eyes light up as I looked at the handsome man that would soon be my husband.  My feet pulled me toward you and my heart only soared as our hands met. Within the next hour I’d be yours always and forever. Gracefully you guided me into a room that was filled with the most precious people of my life. I hugged each and every one rubbing off some of the joy that now overwhelmed my eyes. Feeling that gentle sting I quickly dabbed at the tears that followed. As the lights dimmed my heart ached to be by your side. Longingly I searched the room for your face. My heart leaped when you took me by the hand and led me to our seats. Toasts began and people poured out all they had into beautiful words of praise. This perfect day was exactly what I have dreamed of my entire life. I turned to look at you but the joy that held my smile faded when I saw your worried eyes, as if you were about to jump through a fiery hoop. My lips sagged with dread. Swiftly I moved my lips to your ear to ask “Are you ready to marry me?” Pulling back to show him my smile I saw only fear in his face. My heart began to pound when I heard your reply “I don’t know.” My hands began to tremble as the room began to spin. Politely I excused myself and retreated to the bathroom where I peered into strange eyes. A Beautiful girl wearing a golden dress stared into my emerald eyes. I reached up to touch the mirror to reassure myself that it was truly me. No joy danced in those eyes. No love warmed her cheeks and no smile held my lips. Your words echoed in my mind. “I don’t know” Over and over I saw your dreading eyes and that short reply. The dawning of my wedding day now faded into dusk. I knew the light would soon be gone, fear and pain would only accompany me through the night. I knew what I had to do. I wiped the stream of tears that flowed down my cheeks. A black smear marked where the river had been. I clenched my hands into fists feeling the pain digging into my palm. I walked bravely back to you. But I did not sit. Soon all eyes were gazing at that black smear revealing why I had left. “I cannot marry you.” Spoke a brave woman in a golden dress. Those emerald eyes refused to look into his but instead they led her out the door and down the hall. In a flash this woman threw off her heels and began to run. I watched from above as this princess fled into the night leaving those golden shoes that would not be picked up by a handsome prince. No one would follow and yet she ran. A familiar face grabbed her arm and then she was enveloped in an embrace. Tears poured and burned. Sobs racked her body. All the while this dear friend held her. Soon her eyes that were blurred by the tears drooped and fell into a darkness that took over. I knew no joy would come. No happiness was waiting. My perfect day was gone. All the while I pleaded Dear Lord what have I done?